Parish Life

God's Bumper Stickers

1. Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
2. What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
3. We need to talk.
4. Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
5. Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
6. Will the road you're on get you to my place?
7. Don't Follow me. Follow God.
8. Big Bang Theory? You're kidding right?
9. My way is the highway
10. I have directions if you're lost
11. You think it's hot here?
12. Need a marriage counselor? I'm available.
13. Have you read my #1 best seller?

Church Football

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) repeatedly during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord’s work.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.
Trap - You’re called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Halfback Option - The decision of 75% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Top Ten Ways The Bible Would Be Different If It Were Written By College Students

10. Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips.
9. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.
8. Forbidden fruit wouldn't have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
7. Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5. The place where the end of the world occurs: not Armageddon, but Finals.
4. Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

You (or your Parents) might be a Missionary if...

20. You cruise the Internet looking for fonts that support your "native" language's alphabet.
19. You feel you need to move after you've lived in the same place for a month.
18. You have a name in at least two different languages, and it's not the same one.
17. You don't think that two hours is a long sermon.
16. You haggle with the checkout girl for a lower price.
15. You refer to gravel roads as highways.
14. Fitting 15 or more people into a car seems normal to you.
13. You know how to pack.
12. You realize that furlough is not a vacation.
11. You sort your friends by continent.
10. You do your devotions in another language.
9. You have friends from or in 29 different countries.
8. You speak with authority on the subject of airline travel.
7. You can cut grass with a machete, but can't start a lawnmower.
6. You watch nature documentaries, and think about how good that animal would taste if it were fried.
5. You consider a city 500 km away to be "very close".
4. You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
3. You read National Geographic and recognize someone.
2. You speak two languages, but can't spell in either.
1. You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"

Children's Letters to a pastor

Dear Pastor,
I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor,
My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

Dear Pastor,
I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor,
I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor,
I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor,
Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor,
My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor,
Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor,
Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor,
I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron